The Power of the Tribe 2
Where do we start?
I believe it’s essential to have realistic expectations by age. A newborn in their first days or weeks is not the same as a 6- or 12-month-old baby. In the first weeks, babies still need frequent feeds, while by around 6 months, many babies are ready to sleep 8 hours or even more at night without needing a feed. But let’s remember, we are talking about babies, not machines. Every baby is unique, and there are many factors to consider when deciding if your baby is ready to drop night feeds: their growth, daytime nutrition, among others. This is always a decision to be made together with your pediatrician or healthcare provider, who knows your baby best.
Now, when it comes to independent sleep: yes, night feeds are one part of the picture, but hunger is not the only reason babies wake at night. A baby might wake due to discomfort- feeling too cold or too warm, or even because something in their clothing is bothering them – noises, or simply because they don’t know how to fall back asleep on their own. A baby who depends on being fed to sleep, rocked, or soothed with a pacifier they cannot manage themselves will likely continue to wake multiple times at night…
- In the newborn stage, babies have only two stages of sleep: REM (often called “active” or “light” sleep) and NREM (often called “quiet” or “deep” sleep). Newborns spend about 50% of their sleep in each stage, and they can sleep long stretches even if they are assisted to fall asleep.
- From around 3 to 5 months, your baby’s sleep architecture begins to mature, evolving from just two sleep stages to five — like adults.This is often when sleep starts to feel more challenging, and what many refer to as the “4-month sleep regression.” In my opinion, though, that term isn’t quite accurate, it’s not a regression, but rather a progression. It’s a sign that your baby is developing exactly as they should, and that their sleep cycles are becoming more organized and mature. With this progression, however, comes a new challenge: in order to stay asleep, babies now need to learn how to connect their sleep cycles.
From around 4 months onward, a baby who does not know how to fall asleep independently and relies on feeding, rocking, movement, or any kind of external support they cannot reproduce on their own, will often struggle to stay asleep or to return to sleep when they wake at the end of each cycle. The result? Short naps and multiple night wakings.
Imagine this: you fall asleep in your own bed, but wake up in the middle of the night in a completely different place you don’t recognize. You’d feel startled, right? The same thing happens to your baby if they fall asleep in your arms and wake up in their crib. Of course they’ll want to return to your arms! That’s what feels safe and familiar. That’s why, if you want your baby to learn independent sleep, a very important first step is helping them recognize their own space, feel secure in it, and accept it as theirs.
Does it mean there’s something wrong if babies rely on our help to sleep? Do I have to teach independent sleep?
How do I help my baby learn to fall asleep on their own? Do I have to leave them to cry?
Please, no! You don’t have to let your baby “cry it out” to learn independent sleep. This is exactly what I work on with families: creating a gradual and gentle plan where you can offer as much comfort as you want and support your baby throughout the process as they adjust to the changes and learn new sleep habits.
You can stay present while your baby learns; what changes is your role: Instead of putting them fully to sleep, you support them as they practice falling asleep on their own, becoming their guide, their coach, and their cheerleader along the way. I usually work on this with babies from around 5 months onwards, though the foundations can be laid earlier.
And now I want to address one of the biggest myths around baby sleep and “sleep training”: self-soothing. It’s heartbreaking how many parents feel pressured by this idea, and then feel guilty or confused when it doesn’t “work.”
Let’s be clear: babies are not capable of self-regulation. I don’t believe in leaving a baby to cry in order to “learn.” The only thing they truly learn when left to cry alone is that no one will come. That thought breaks my heart, because it means their needs are being ignored. What babies need is responsive parenting and co-regulation, the foundation for emotional security and healthy attachment. Expecting a baby to manage distress alone is like expecting them to change their own diaper, it simply doesn’t align with their stage of development.
When I talk about independent sleep (at least in the way I work with families as a holistic sleep consultant), it has nothing to do with a baby calming or regulating themselves alone. Far from it! It’s about making sure all their emotional and physical needs are met. When your baby feels safe, comfortable, and connected, they can then learn to fall asleep on their own and resettle at night when no real need is present (like hunger, discomfort, or temperature). Just like us: sometimes we wake up at night, adjust our pillow, and drift back to sleep. And if your baby does need something, they will call you, and you’ll be there to respond.
The transition from being rocked, held, or fed to sleep to falling asleep in their own space can be a gentle and supportive process. Your role is key: you are their co-regulator, their guide, helping them find calm. Along the way, your baby may feel frustration, and yes, this can sound like crying. Change is hard for all of us! But if this happens, you will be right there, responding and comforting, guiding them step by step until they discover they can fall asleep on their own, always with your presence, patience, and loving support.
If you’d like to start trying independent sleep, my first recommendation is to simply place your baby in their own space and see what happens. Many families are surprised to find less resistance than expected. And let me reassure you: it’s completely normal for your baby to resist the crib if they don’t yet recognize it as their space. Most babies do at the beginning! That doesn’t mean you should give up. Like any new skill or habit, it takes practice and adjustment.
Remember: it’s about progress, not perfection. Every small step counts.
If you’d like more guidance, feel free to explore my services or reach out to me directly. I’d be happy to support you!